As I sit here, the clock is counting down, there is less than an hour left of 2014. By the time I finish, and most certainly by the time you are reading this, we will have welcomed in the new year! I find myself in a far different place than my typical New Year’s Eve celebration. I am no longer surrounded by friends or family, no parties, no confetti. I am alone, on the couch, with a computer and a TV. Carson Daily has taken a break from his countdown on NBC for the 11 o’clock news. My wife went to bed an hour and a half ago, and I have a (almost) 6 month old son and daughter sleeping in their cribs. It might not sound like it to you, but life seriously couldn’t be better! 2014 has been one of the most magical years of my life. Watching and caring for my two children with my wife for the past 6 months have redefined and reshaped my life entirely. I have none other than God to thank for these amazing blessings.
I sit here, with the clock ticking to the new year, struggling. I have been struggling for over a year now, since that moment my wife revealed that she was pregnant. A weight of anxiety and paranoia often overwhelms me. With everything that comes with being a father of twins, nothing has overwhelmed me more than the paranoia of losing one or both of my children.
I have lost friends in life, but one has effected me more than the others. The reason is because I knew his parents. I grew up with him, and had his parents as teachers and mentors. I remember playing at his house as young children, and his mother’s tone as she yelled his name when he got into trouble, he was always getting into innocent trouble! His father was one of my favorite math teachers, and had bible discussions in his room before school. Around 7 years after graduating high school, I attended my friend’s funeral. I will never forget walking down the aisle and hugging his father, crying into each other’s arms. Not only had I lost a childhood friend, but my heart was severely broken for his parents and family.
As hard as it is to lose a friend, I can’t imagine losing a child. A few years have passed, and I often find myself thinking of my friend’s family. I am wondering how they are doing, and find myself often praying for them. If you are reading this, I am praying for you, and you are an inspiration to me!
Very recently, a friend from high school tragically lost her own child to SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). Her young boy was a twin, which makes it hit even closer to home for me. I think of her and her family daily since, and if you are reading this, please know I am also praying for you!
Connections like these are violent reminders of how fragile life is, and how much we lack control in this large and dangerous world. Accidents, mysteries, and tragedies happen every day. While we have a great responsibility to love and care for our children, many things happen that are out of our control. Even in knowing this, I am terrified. I am extremely overprotective of my children, and they still get hurt. I want them to live in this protective bubble for their entire lives. There isn’t a moment or situation, day or night, where I am not paranoid about what horrible things could happen to them. I am worried about their breathing as they sleep, choking as they eat, crashing as I drive, or tripping as I carry them. I try to follow all of the pediatricians recommendations to a T. As they grow and are able to do more things independently, the more my paranoia grows, and they can’t even crawl yet!
Every time I fall into a spell of paranoia, I realize I need to give all my trust and control over to God. There is no other way to ease my fears. The most important thing to remember about death, is the truth about life. No matter how much you care and how big your love is for your family, God loves them more. While we worry and drive ourselves crazy over our earthly lives, God is concerned for us and our eternal lives. That is why Jesus came and prepared a way for us, and has prepared a place for us in his Kingdom. No matter how short or long our lives are on earth, it could never match up to an eternity in heaven. He loves us, and I will trust and give mine and my children’s lives over to him.
Happy New Year!
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